JOKE LIST
I'd Like to thank all my mates for sending me these Jokes, and if any of you readers have any, Email them to me and I'll put them on.
LIST:
Three Men Going to Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure
enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but
wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't
stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw
it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the
stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over
the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this
man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he
started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he
ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my
hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the
bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going
to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me
instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process
was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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26 Ways to Cope With Stress
1)Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many
you
can do at one time.
2)Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3)Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4)When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5)Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6)Dance naked in front of your pets.
7)Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him into pre-school as
if nothing is wrong.
8)Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
9)Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high
places.
10)Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11)Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12)Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat on it. Return it the next day.
13)Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14)Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15)Drive to work in reverse.
16)Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17)Tell your boss to "Blow it out your mule!" and let him figure it out.
18)Sit naked on a shelled, hard-boiled egg.
19)Polish your car with ear wax.
20)Read the dictionary upside-down and look for secret messages.
21)Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to
you.
22)Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23)Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24)Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25)Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
26)Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the
wrapper.
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Swearing in the Work Place
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received
from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language
will no longer be tolerated.
None of less we do realise the critical importance of individuals being
able to properly express their feelings when communicating with fellow
employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been
compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive
co-workers.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
No fucking way! I'm certain that's not feasible.
You've got to be shitting me! Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck! Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck! Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem! I wasn't involved with that project
What the fuck? Interesting.
Fuck it, it won't work! I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner? I'll try to schedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure this is a problem?
He's got his head up his ass! He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit! You don't say?
Eat shit and die! Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker! Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life? They weren't happy with it?
Kiss my ass! So you'd like my help with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary! I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your ass! I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you the boss? You want me to take care of this?
Blow me! I see.
Blow yourself! Do you see?
Another fucking meeting? Yes, we really should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit! I don't think it will be a problem.
He's a fucking prick! He's somewhat insensitive.
She's a ball-breaking bitch! She's an aggressive go-getter.
You don't know what the fuck you're doing! I think you could use more training.
This place is all fucked up! We're a little disorganised.
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